It's Official... I'm Human

It's not easy to be the parent of an allergy kid.
NO ONE knows, until they experience it first-hand.
And before I share my screw up, I feel the need to defend my own honor by sharing just how careful I really am....
When eating dinner, I typically eat w/ my right hand, to reserve my left hand (clean) to deal w/ Flynn, her food, her cup, etc.
I label her cup & Gabe's w/ a "G" or an "F", for when Papa, Nana, Grammy, Aunt G, or Hannah babysits.
I read labels once, twice or several times.
I forgo some parties or situations where I feel she might not be kept safe.
I put my career on hold, as working full time would force us to put the kids (Flynn) in a group setting where she might not be kept safe.
I'm her advocate in certain situations like church... for example, we quit the last church we attended because they wouldn't make her classroom a milk-free zone, as the children's director, "[couldn't] ask that of [her] volunteers".
I read everything I can get my eyes on.
We try our hardest to educate Flynn on her allergy, but try just as hard to make her feel like she's "normal" & doesn't miss out on too much.
I'm a clean freak when dealing w/ milk. If I'm giving Gabe his milk cup/refilling it, I wipe the counter off after his lid touches it.
I hover over her in group situations.
And everyone who is around my Flynn-parenting, can attest that we are careful, to a fault. It's almost neurotic how we behave around her.
So, can you imagine that last night, I made the first & worst mistake I've ever made with her....
We went to Delaney's birthday party at Woody's Cafe (a chuck e cheese type of place)... so I had planned to not only bring her her own dinner (plain hamburger happy meal), but I wanted to be sure to bring a special dessert/snack for her to eat while everyone else ate cake.
P.S. I'm on steroids for an allergic skin reaction (to what I'm not sure), and am on a high dose of prednazone, to which I'm blaming any not-myself-ness....
The other day I had the kids (way too close to naptime) at Dierbergs trying to do a quick shopping trip. Gabe was throwing a fit, he was tired & hungry & bored. He was trying to cliff dive from the shopping cart. People were staring, Flynn was laughing & I was sweating.
On the end cap, I spotted the cutest animal crackers. They were iced & sprinkled & were calling for me to buy them, as the funnest b'day cake alternative.
Remember how I mentioned my meticulous behavior when it comes to label reading?...So I picked them up, at the very bottom was the allergy warning (a practice that the FDA tried to pass by Dec '05) which informed me that the only allergies were peanuts.
I've NEVER by the way, just took their word for it, I've always read each & every ingredient myself to see if any of the 40-something milk-based ingredients are in the food.
But I didn't. I don't know why. Maybe the roids. Maybe Gabe's ability to rush me. I don't know.... Maybe I figured I'd read closely at home?
I didn't.
I grabbed them last nite & I put them in a container for her to eat at the party.
And she did.
Then she ran off into the ball pit & started playing.
About 10 minutes later, she ran up to me & was crying, and sneezing & clawing at her throat & skin.She was clearly having a reaction....but to what? I had no idea. I sat her in a chair, grabbed her bag, and started medicating her....benadry, albuterol...Then, as God sent him, up walked a doctor, a friend of the Frosts & he quick got involved.
Not long after, she started to drool & show signs of airway closure.
I knew it in the back of my mind, but Lee pointed out the obvious....the EPI PEN.
I hate the epi pen....altho there are several situatons where she probably SHOULD have had it, I didn't....cuz I'm scared. It's A TON of adrenaline, a shot of a chemical that will open your vessels, your airway, you name it.
That's when I lost it.... you know that I'm typically a calm & collected person when it comes to her health, but I knew this was the worst she has been.
He gave her the shot....and we jumped in the car....
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We passed a cop who I yelled out my window to for a police escort.... Dr Lee from behind me yelled out that he was a physician & that Flynn was having an allergic reaction.....but apparently it was donut break in a matter of minutes (sorry to my friends & family whom are policemen & take offense to that), as he declined.Fine. I turned on the flashers & floored it, pealing away from the cop so he could get back to pasting the big orange sticker on the stalled car (apparently far more important than saving a life).
We blew through red lights & stop signs & in probably 2 mins, I skidded into the ER entrance.
Dr Lee grabbed Flynn & her bag, I grabbed Gabe, and off we ran.
Thanking God a millionth time for Lee, who ran in w/ Flynn, again announced his profession, & what was going on. They ran us back to a room, where in a matter of milliseconds, there were 3 or 4 people in the room.
It was bizarre.
It was surreal.
It was my little girl coming close to death.
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I write through tears as I reminsce the way I felt. Jeff was at home 30 minutes away & I was so scared. I realize at times like that just how much I rely on him...and thank God that I'm fortunate enough to have a husband who is an equal partner in parenting.
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They gave Flynn another shot of epinephrine, more antihistamine, and started her on oxygen & albuterol, and something else that I'm forgetting. They put leads on her chest, to monitor her heart (that epinephrine is some crazy stuff), and she had a "glow toe" (blood ox pulse thing on her toe).
Her swelling started going down. But we spent the rest of the night under close observation with regular intervals of meds.
Can I tell you what a stud this girl is? Other than crying from the epi pen (which I would do too), she didn't cry. She never showed fear. She is amazing.When I was holding her cheek to mine while she got the epi pen, we talked again about the lesson that meant so much to her a few weeks ago.... the book of Joshua: God is with us always. He never leaves us. I'll tell you that I needed it as much as she did. Maybe more.
I wish I could be more like her. She never doubts it. She's quick to remind me that God made "the earth, the planet we live on" & that Jesus lives in our hearts. When she looked at me through her swollen eyes last night, she reminded me that it was okay.
This morning, while we drove to my parents to get Gabe, she called up to Jeff, "I wanna be a teacher when I get big, just like you." Even though her professions of choice are fleeting, it didn't keep Jeff & I from getting teary-eyed.
And I think she could be a doctor.
But God's definitely got something special planned for her.